The Dreaded Due Date

Emotions have been high around here as we are still grieving the loss of our first baby.

If you’re new around here, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome and I’ve been going through intensive fertility treatment for over 2 years. I’ve given myself countless hormone injections, had a million ultrasounds, and have taken more pills than I can count.

This past August when we found out we were pregnant, I was overjoyed and relieved to think that chapter of our lives was closing. I had three IUI’s in six months and it finally worked! We were so excited to grow our family and move onto a happier chapter of our lives after years of struggle. It was FINALLY OVER!

Two weeks after relocating from KY to NC for my husband’s job, we had our 10-week appointment. The day before the appointment, I started to bleed heavily. I’d had a miscarriage back in January very early in a pregnancy and recognized the signs. I remember praying, “Please God, not again. I don’t know if I can do this again. Please, God.”

I vividly remember sitting on the bathroom floor crying and praying as I felt strong cramps and a pool of blood continue to fill my pad.

I was petrified. I was living a nightmare for the second time. Only this time, the pregnancy felt like it was mine. I saw this baby’s heartbeat. It was alive.

It was painful in so many ways.

I don’t have words for how terrifying it is to realize that you’re miscarrying. The life you prayed so hard for is gone and leaving your body in that moment. Traumatizing. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

At the doctor’s office the next day, I could tell that they were scared for me before I entered the ultrasound room. I had called the day before and I could hear the concern in the nurse’s voice.

I felt sorry for the ultrasound tech. I knew that she would have to confirm what I already knew to be true. The baby’s heartbeat had stopped. After a short discussion, I was rushed to have a D&C before Hurricane Michael.

What a welcome to our new life in North Carolina. The home we had purchased had the perfect spot for a nursery....which now we no longer needed.

A genetic test showed that our little girl had Turner Syndrome. She only had one X. Just a freak thing—“just unlucky” my doctor said. A one in ten thousand chance. Unlucky indeed.

Since then I have had one more IUI (in December) that was unsuccessful. Doctors have pushed for IVF, but I can’t take any more of that right now. Instead I’ve focused on healing my body naturally. I’ll talk more about that in the coming weeks.

Next weekend, April 6, was our due date. My 29th birthday is April 4. We should be preparing for the arrival of our first child. Instead our hearts are breaking all over again thinking of what could have been.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been dreading that day for months. But instead of being sad, I’m going to thank God for the opportunity to be a mother, if only for a short time.

Here I am. Not giving up. Galloping on.